Quote to Self · Uncategorized

Quote to Self #2: In Denial

In short, Quote to Self is basically where I take a quote from a book I’ve read recently that I feel like applies to my life at the moment and I discuss why.

My last Quote to Self here

I will be discussing the Lunar Chronicles but there will be no spoilers!

Worldly, confident Captain Thorne could never be captivated by plain, awkward her, and she’d been disappointed by such wistful thinking before. 

-Cress, from Winter by Meyer

If you haven’t read the Lunar Chronicles, Cress is a character that shows up in the third book and for the sake of this post, all you need to know is that she is a quirky, socially awkward girl who likes Thorne, who is a kind of a cocky, funny troublemaker type of character. Your resident bad boy except he’s not mysterious.

So for some unfathomable reason, I was so irritated and annoyed when I read this particular line although I really couldn’t put my finger on why it annoyed me so much. I mean, I’m harsh on books, but this line should not offend anyone in any  stretch of the imagination.

But then I realized why it annoyed me so much.

It’s because, it reminded me of well, me.

Hold up, that escalated quickly. Let me explain. Let’s travel back in time..to my childhood specifically maybe 7-8th grade or even through high school… And pretend you could interact with anyone that knew me. Take your pick. You can talk to my sixth grade teacher with her bobbed brown hair and old lady glasses or maybe my then best friend who is the dictionary definition of a goody two shoes or maybe my middle grade archnemesis who came in the form a girl who for some reason found everything hilariously funny or the guy I had a crush on in high school who sat next to me in Spanish. Whatever.

There are two adjectives that they would use to describe me (besides my apparent niceness) and that would be

  1. innocent
  2. naive 

And I would have hated it. Even though it was probably, actually very true. Since college, I’ve gotten comments like,

“Wow you drink?”

“You actually want to go a club?”

“I can’t imagine you at a rave! What would you even do?”

“Wow I didn’t know you could have dirty thoughts about someone.”

And I realized how different people’s perceptions of me are compared to my own perception of myself. I see myself as someone loving new experiences, other people see me as someone who never leaves the house. Being innocent and naive is not necessarily a fault, it’s probably just who I am, considering my lack of experience with the opposite gender and my lack of life experience in general. It kind of explains why that Cress quote is like a line that’s directly ripped out of my mind whenever I had unrequited feelings for someone because I would never have the guts to actually say I like someone to their face. But I think my annoyance at being coined “innocent” and “naive” is rooted in my deep seated fear of people treating me like I don’t know anything or being too fragile to handle the truth and not even knowing the things that I feel like I should know. It’s kind of like not knowing a swear word and you ask what it is and all your friends are like “whaaat?? you don’t what _____ means?” except that feeling is amplified. Sometimes I feel like I’m always one step behind people, as if my experiences in my sheltered world made me somehow less of a person even though it doesn’t mean that at all. And it leads to questions that I’ve been having a lot lately: Am I denying who I am? Why can’t I just accept that maybe I just am this way? Everyone says be yourself, but what if you don’t really “like” some parts of yourself and you want to throw those traits away and keep the others? Does that mean you’re not you? What if who you want to be is totally contradictory to who you are?

This bias really shows in my reading too. I tend to gravitate towards characters that are really not like me at all but I kind of want to be. I gravitate towards the more cynical, reckless, devil-may-care and worldly characters like Isabelle (from The Mortal Instruments), like Evie from (The Diviners), like sassy and reckless Sage (from The False Prince), like Cinder and Scarlet even though I’m actually a Cress.

Anyways, what are your thoughts on my identity crisis?

sigfinal

 

 

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9 thoughts on “Quote to Self #2: In Denial

    1. I would too! Especially since people have such different perceptions of you and each perception is a little different than the other. Do you others perceive you as you perceive yourself? At least for the most part?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My initial answer is probably not, but now I want to give this great question some thought. I don’t always pay attention to things maybe because I’m a little head-in-the-cloudish, so I actually have to think about how people perceive me compared with how I perceive myself. Thanks for the question!

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  1. OMG. I totally feel you girl. I think some people think I’m really naive which annoys me and used to make me feel like I should prove them wrong or something. But then I realized that I shouldn’t even care what people judge me as, cuz you know what, they don’t even know me. As long as you’re confident in yourself, I think people will perceive you as less naive/innocent but I’m not really sure. I have to admit that I truly was very naive while in high school, but I know college has changed that and I’m sure it has for you too. At least in my opinion, I wouldn’t describe you as naive/innocent and I wouldn’t be surprised if you told me you went to club/rave or whatever else. But everyone has their own opinions(as it always will be). Stay true to yourself ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks!! I wish I could do what you do. Yeah, based on other people’s perception, I think I am those things which makes me not want to be them but I can’t help it if I am?
      Well, at least one person knows me :p but it’s probably cause you just know me and other people don’t know me as well.
      Yeah, you’re right, I used to get so defensive whenever anyone would describe me as innocent but I shouldn’t have to feel like I need to prove anything.

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  2. I’m not very surprised that you drink or go to a club/rave. Or eat a lot of carne asada fries.
    That font and color looks surprisingly cohesive with the photo, I actually thought you got that whole photo from the internet.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh my gosh, when I read the quote I was like… I don’t think I’d like this Cress girl. But that doesn’t mean I don’t like you, Carolyn! 😉 I think it’s interesting that that’s the way people perceive you as. Most people say the same about me (being innocent and all). But for me, it’s kind of true (I am so not adventurous and I’m a total creature of habit)… I don’t drink, use profanity, etc. But that doesn’t make people that do do those things not innocent. Or ones that are like me entirely innocent. It’s ironic with my last Summer Says post to say this, but I hate the labels people have created. Our identities are always evolving so I think it’s okay to feel like you’re not in sync of what you really think you are. Besides, who even truly understands themselves? Plus, the beauty of being human is that we can be all types of things. So maybe you are the adventurous you or the innocent you or both at the same time. I don’t think it’s about being yourself really… but about being confident of who you are even if there’s many facets-ones you like and don’t like. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  4. So well said that it took me this long to reply LOL. So much truth has never been spoken. I think it’s the subconscious part of me since childhood that has to prove..idk..that I’m not just a little nerdy girl with glasses which is ridiculous but..that’s me I guess..
    And you bring up a good point about what even is “innocent”? There are so many layers to everyone. It’s not just you are innocent or you’re not.

    Like

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