Quote to Self

Quote to Self

Excuse me if this post goes from starting at the shore to going off the deep end, as in deeper than the Pacific Ocean.

I’m having existential crisis problems and I’ve been thinking a lot about this quote because it resonated a lot with me now and when I read the book.

I’m in my last year of college (yay me?)and it’s a little surprising, when I look back on it, how different my high school friends were (and are) from my college friends. And much like the quote says, both groups of friends in different times of my life meant the world to me. My friends in college are more “outgoing” in terms of going out and partying and my friends back in my hometown are a little more reserved. It’s probably a testament to how I’ve changed since going to college. My four close friends and I go to different colleges, one’s in New York, one’s in LA, etc. and two are local and luckily for the most part, we can still go back home and visit each other during odd weekends and holidays. It’s interesting how dynamics have changed with my friends in my hometown once we each go our separate ways. You are relieved you’re still friends but at the same time sad that things have changed so much and you’re not the group of friends you once were.

It’s true you don’t know how long you have your friends near. And sometimes there’s really nothing you can do about it, I’ve realized. Freshman year, I had a group of friends at school that had the same classes as me and I thought we were going to besties forever! lol..no..one person would go their separate ways and another person finds a club that just clicks and spends most of his time there or another friend just finds another group of friends that click with them. And I guess that’s what scares me after graduation sometimes. After graduation, some aspects of friendship that bond us are kind of lost I feel. I’ll miss living at an apartment with my friends where we went for midnight boba or where we were cramming for a final at 2am at the library or even when we all thought we knew what jobs we were going to do after graduation but then changing our minds and feeling lost all over again. (I can assure you I won’t miss the “taking finals” part though, bleh). I’ll miss that reassurance that we’re in this together; I think it’s something only friends can give, that relatability and closeness through shared experience that no one else can know. I feel like once we leave, it’s going to be different.

I look at my close friends and I wonder to myself sometimes, what difference have I made in their lives? That sounds really pretentious, but a small part of me hopes I won’t just be another person in someone’s life. Some people I know have such huge imprints on people’s lives and everything they do can be seen in everything they do. And I really admire that, mostly because I’m more of the person who just goes with the flow and am not too strongly opinionated most of the time. Maybe I just want verification of my pointless life..

You might be thinking, why does this matter, you’re being a tad dramatic aren’t you. I mean you can still contact them after school and you still have your best friends. I guess, in a sentence, it’s because friendship is important to me; change is scary; I don’t have the best relationship with my parents and when I’m down, I go to my friends to support me mentally and, you know what, as trivial as it sounds, their support has meant the world to me.

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